Stay Standing
by cadencebelle
Summary: Isabella Swan, has come face to face with many challenges in her life. Some, being certain situations others being certain people. Unfortunately for, Isabella, it seems as though fate still has some cards left to be dealt. Will she fall or stay standing?
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer - I do not own any of the characters mentioned in this story. They all belong to the wonderful, Stephanie Meyer. I do, however, own the rights to this plot!**

**This is my first story on fanfiction. I did upload this chapter before, (thank you for all of the support and the reviews from becleecullen) but I wasn't happy with it and so I have made some changes.**

**There are two parts to this prologue. The first one is a bit tedious but it is necessary to the story, the second one if where the real drama begins.**

**So, READ, REVIEW, and ENJOY.**

**Prologue - Part I**

There are many challenges in life that we may have to face at some point. Some may be easy. Others not so much. It is almost a certainty that through these challenges we may face some fears, stumble across many hardships and encounter disappointment, despair or grief.

A lot of people may look at these challenges and simply decide that they aren't worth the trouble or the heartache. I say that those people are wrong...

My life hasn't been easy, even when I was a child, I've had many difficulties that I have been burdened with. I often wonder what my life would be like now if I hadn't overcome some of those challenges. Would I be happier? Maybe. Maybe not.

Maybe, there's another me somewhere out there. Maybe, in some kind if parallel universe. I wonder what her life is like in comparison to mine. If I knew would I be envious. Would I choose to alter mine for hers? I hope not.

My life has been one giant challenge and I'm not going to lie and say it has been easy when, in fact, it has been quite the opposite. Even now, years later, I find myself facing repercussions of my decisions and the ones of those around me.

Looking over all this, however, has just made me grateful for those challenges. I can say without a doubt that if it weren't for them then I would be but a mere shell of the person I have become.

Sometimes when trouble strikes we may be alone and unaided, or in a room surrounded by loved ones with every weapon at our disposal and in all honesty, I don't think it would make the slightest difference. For it is up to us and us alone, how we choose to overcome our own endeavors and what we choose to learn from them.

Time may make things difficult for you...people may make things difficult for you...you, yourself may make things difficult... but I can promise you, that it will be worth it.

It takes no effort, struggle or pain to fall down and stay down. The true challenge is being able to stand back up and then to continue standing up. Through whatever life throws at us. Through the deepest of pains. Through the darkest of days. Through the heaviest of rainfalls.

I can look back on my life so far and be proud of myself for what I have achieved but I know I still have a long way to go and more challenges to come.

I just hope that I will continue to find the power to keep on standing back up. I hope that you do too.

**Prologue - Part II**

Adrenalin. I could feel it surging its way through my body. Whispering to me, telling me things that, at this moment, I was powerless to do.

_"Run, you have to run, Bella."_

I was trying, but I couldn't move. My feet refused to move. My body tense and unmoving refusing to co-operate. It didn't matter that I had training for exactly this type of situation. It didn't matter that I was older, or stronger than before. Everything had faded away, leaving me alone with _him._

I was finding it hard to believe that this was real. That for the first time in 4 years this wasn't a dream. I knew that at least. The smell, the panic, the pain, it was so much more vivid. The same as before, yet so different.

_He_ started to move forward again, his eyes glinting with malice. I knew that if he reached me it was over and still my body wasn't listening to what my mind was telling it.

**40 feet...35 feet...30 feet**

_"Run, Bella. Please, please God, you have to move."_

My mind was screaming out orders, but to no avail.

Then I heard him.

_"Listen to me, Beautiful; fight him, stand your ground. This is nothing you haven't faced before. Your stronger now, Bella. You can do this. He is nothing, Bella, you hear me. Nothing. You can't let him win. Don't let him knock you down anymore, Beautiful. You have to stay standing. Do it for me. Do this for yourself. Breathe Bella...Just Breathe."_

I could hear his voice, his breathless whispers caressing me. His warm arms, encircling me; making me feel safe. His eyes, pleading with me, giving me his strength.

_"Breathe Bella...Just Breathe."_

So I did. I listened to his words, guiding me, helping me. Even when he wasn't anywhere near me, even at the darkest of times, he still kept his promises.

_"I'll always protect you, Beautiful...always...you won't ever be alone."_

The gap between me and _him _was decreasing. His eyes were locking mine to his. I could see the hatred, anger, desire...hunger. He looked like a predator stalking its prey and I guess in a way that's what I was.

**Only 20 feet now.**

Everything seemed to be going in slow motion. Prolonging the inevitable. I didn't know whever to sigh with relief or scream in terror. I just wanted this to be over.

**15 feet.**

_"Breathe Bella...Just Breathe."_

I followed his demands. Helpless not to.

In and Out.

In and Out.

**10 feet.**

_"You can do this. I love you, Beautiful."_

In and Out.

In and Out.

**5 feet.**

I could feel his next words wrap around me, shielding me. They surged through me, empowering me...

And that's exactly how I felt...powerful

_"Don't let him knock you down anymore, Beautiful. You have to stay standing."_

So...I raised by chin, clenched my fists, and looked into _his_ eyes.

For, it was here, facing Satan himself, alone and unarmed; with only whispers as comfort, that I was at my strongest.

_"I love you, Bella."_

"I love you too, Edward..."

**Well, that's it folks. **

**I have already started chapter 1, so it shouldn't be too long till the next update. **

**Please, tell me what you think. The more the reviews the faster the updates.**

**CadenceBelle.**


	2. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer - I do not own any of the characters mentioned in this story. I am merely borrowing them. I do, however, own this plot.**

**This chapter took longer to write than I had anticipated. I always thought the first chapter would be easy to write but I just didn't know where to start.**

**The first few chapters will be slow starting but I need to get all the main points sorted before we can start with all the drama.**

**I hope you enjoy it.**

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**Chapter 1**

**BPOV**

"Miss Isabella Marie Swan, we are meeting here today to discuss your appeal; and whether or not we have decided to grant it. Over the last few days a number of our board members and I have been analyzing thoroughly all of the reports taken from the visits paid to you over the four years. We have also had a look at your profile and spoken to a number of your friends as well as talking to your family supervisor Mrs. Irina Western and of course with, Mr. Masen Riley Swan, former, Masen Riley Dwyer, the subject of today's meeting.

Concluding all that we have heard and read we can happily say that you, Miss Isabella Marie Swan have the full custody and supervision over Mr. Masen Riley Swan.

We are aware that your background is very unique and we were, at first, wary of your appeal but, like I said, these circumstances are very rare and we feel that you are fully capable of handling the responsibilities being given to you."

I sat facing the Judge, fists clenched tightly around the arms of my chair my grip never relinquishing. I was trying to process the words being said but I just couldn't seem to wrap my head around it. My mind didn't seem to think that this was real, maybe it wasn't. This was all probably just one messed up dream, my subconscious simply taunting me; dangling what I wanted most right there in front of me only to purposely snatch it away again the minute I awoke and just when it was finally in my reach. Hell, it's not like it hasn't happened before and let me tell you, waking up, hurts like fuck.

I don't know why but it just didn't seem to be able to sink in. That maybe after all this time, after all the pain that we had both been through, we were finally getting the chance to move on. Although it was way overdue the emotions that came with it were both exciting and terrifying.

I knew that I couldn't relax just yet though. After all of my experience I had come to learn - very quickly - that not everything is what it seems and - in my case at least - good things have a way of coming to an end.

I could see, Jenks grinning, smugly out of the corner of my eye. His eyes were lit with obvious triumph. His hair was combed, tightly towards the back of his head, not a hair was out of place.

In many ways, his appearance was similar to that of his work ethics. The Jenks that I had come to know over the years had very high standards when it came down to his job. His work was always polished and very well organized; there was never a single thing out of place, no problems or mistakes that anyone could use against him. There was no doubting that - even though he was fairly young, a mere 26 years old - he was without a shadow of a doubt one of the best in his field. The judge's words confirming that and adding this case to his never ending list of achievements.

Regardless of his confident facade and his experience you could tell that Jenks was still somewhat nervous. The eager movements of his foot tapping rapidly against the hard wooden floor, in what seemed to be anticipation, were now sending vibrations up the legs of my chair.

This only added to my unease causing the grip I had on my chair become considerably tighter; tight enough that I could feel nails leaving moon shaped indents on the wood.

Throughout the meeting my nerves had been on edge, my anxiousness building in my stomach. So far I had managed to keep my feelings in check, painting my face black so that no emotions would be picked up on by the others in the room. Jenks' movements however were coming very close to tipping me over the edge. I had to bite down on my tongue and force my lips to stay locked together in order to stop from speaking the words that longed to pour out.

I knew that it wouldn't solve anything and it wasn't fair to spill all of my frustrations onto Jenks when he had done nothing to deserve then. Not to mention that the time and the place was completely inappropriate; I could only imagine what the Judge would make of that kind of outburst, it would definitely not go down well.

I continued to stare solely at the Judge, my eyes never wavering. His face was sculpted into an unreadable mask, giving nothing way. One of the other members of this meeting, a women sat on the judge's right, handed him something but it was just out of my sight. He looked down at it for a moment before turning to nod at the women and then locking his eyes onto me.

"However, before we finalize anything, there are a few small factors that we need to put into place. Firstly, Miss Swan three months from now, Mrs. Western will have to pay you one last visit to make sure that everything is running smoothly and that you are have no problems."

I instantly opened my mouth to object but the Judge, seeing this, gave a small roll of his eyes and quickly jumped in before I had the chance.

"I know that you will have your objections over this, Miss Swan and it's not that we don't think you can handle this it is simply the procedure. It has to be carried out with every case."

His words caused me to let out a frustrated sigh and slouch back in my chair.

"I have also been notified that you have plans of re-locating in the near future, correct?"

I quickly gave a small nod towards the judge. Honestly, I couldn't wait to get out of this place and start over somewhere else, away from all of the memories and the people here. I know that was harsh but I knew that if I stayed here with them I wouldn't be able to move on and I needed to do it; I owed it to Masen and to myself to at least try.

"Well I can understand why you would want to move and the court has no objections. However, we must ask if you can let us know where you plan on going so your address and telephone number will be needed. Or if you are still yet undecided you can send an email to your lawyer," he gave a nod in Jenks' direction," and he will then notify us.

"Lastly, we just need to remind you to stay behind for five minutes or so at the end in order to sign the documents that we have for you. There are two of them, one for us that you can hand to the office on the way out and one for your lawyer to hold on to. Do you have any problems with anything I have said, Miss Swan?"

He raised his eyebrow, clearly expecting me to argue with him. I didn't though, I was actually quite surprised about how easy everything sounded; everything was a lot more reasonable than I had ever expected them to be.

"No your honor." My voice came out sounding relatively calm which was quite surprising considering what I was feeling on the inside.

I couldn't prevent my eyes from quickly sneaking a look at the clock to the left of the judge's head. I was eager to get out of this room and back to Masen where I knew he was waiting with Riley.

Unluckily for me, fate decided that it hadn't been a big enough bitch to me today, and so of course the Judge caught my actions and narrowed his eyes at me, irritation flashing in them. If I wanted this case to go hitch free I would have to learn to keep better control of myself.

"Well, Miss Swan it seems as though you are eager to get out of here. So if there are no further matters to discuss then I think we are done.

"No? Well excellent; meeting adjourned."

He rose out of his chair, gathering all of the files from his desk and then proceeded to walk out of the door situated directly behind him. The other council members followed his lead, most of them didn't bother to acknowledge us on the way out but one of the oldest women there gave us a kind smile and mouthed the word congratulations. I shot her a grateful smile in return.

Once all of them had parted from the room I felt myself relax slightly and let out an overdue sigh of relief. The tension had evaporated from the room with their departure allowing me to finally release my death grip on the worn arms of my chair.

Pain shot through my fingers as I tried to uncurl them, I continued to flex them for a couple more seconds until the ache subdued. My neck was also stiff from all the tension that the meeting had brought with it.

I turned to face Jenks who was sorting through his pages and writing something in his diary. I couldn't help but roll my eyes at him and tried to hold in my laugh. It was a typical Jenks thing to do though, he hardly ever stopped working; once one thing was done he would get started straight away on something else. I couldn't help but feel awed by his wife and the ways in which she must have to put up with him.

I had met her once when I first started to work with Jenks. She was a lovely women and we seemed to hit it off really well, you could tell that she was the type of women who was born to be a mother and considering the five kids that they already had, it always seemed as though she would make time for Masen and I as well. She was constantly coming around to help around the house or to see if we needed anything. I don't know how she found the time but I would always be grateful for her help.

The clearing of a throat brought me back to the present. I would always get lost in my own thoughts and I would never realize until someone else would make me acknowledge it. I turned my head slightly to be met with Jenks' slightly worried expression. I shot him a small smile and mumbled an apology under my breath.

"So what do I need to sign?" His lips twitched at my question, clearly hearing the irritation but I guess he was used to it by now.

"I have it all right here, Bella. Now, I've highlighted all of the parts that you need to sign. I have double checked everything, just in case but it all seems to be legit. I'll hand it in to the office when we head out."

Everything that happened next, as cliché as it sounds, seemed to happen in slow motion. We both reached out to grab the pen that was sat towards my side of the desk but as we did I felt Jenks' shoulder brush mine.

I couldn't stop my body's reaction. I never could; no matter how hard I tried.

I could feel my body tighten, my joints tense. I was bracing myself for an attack, one that a part of my mind knew wasn't going to happen, but the other part wasn't as convinced.

I squeezed my eyes shut preparing for the onslaught of the memories I knew were bound to come. Unfortunately, I wasn't disappointed. They came surging forward with the same over riding strength that they always did.

It didn't matter that it had been four years. They were just as vivid as they were back when they were happening for the first time. I was no longer in the small meeting room; I was back there in that house with _him._

I did what I always did... the only thing that I could do. I gritted my teeth and clenched my fists trying to ignore the images welded to my eyes, it was no use though; I wasn't strong enough to fight them back.

I could see his ice blue eyes, glaring into mine. His knowing smile, glinting maliciously sending wracking shivers up and down my spine. His hands crawling across my skin.

My throat started to tighten and I could feel my body heaving in an effort to get some oxygen in my lungs.

Then I heard his voice. His tone was hard, cold and uncaring, sneering at me, laughing at me. _Bastard_

I could feel his breath on my ear, the stench of alcohol nearly choking me.

_"Isabella."_

_"Isabella, we're going to have so much fun."_

_"There's no one else her sweetheart, just you and me." He broke off laughing to himself._

_"I wish your father could be here to witness what I'm about to do to you. Or your sister for that matter. Hell, maybe even your mother not that she'd care. There not here though are they Bella, there's no one who can help you, no one cares about you. No one will ever want you. You little whore! I can't wait to hear you scream for me."_

_"Isabella."_

"Isabella."

"Bella."

I opened my eyes slowly, trying to register my surroundings. To my relief I found myself looking around the courtroom. I blinked my eyes a few times, trying to clear my vision. It was then that I saw Jenks' his body was tense like mine, but his face was flowing with emotion. He looked horrified, disgusted and also worried? And distraught? The first two I could understand but the others I wasn't so sure.

I instantly began cursing myself for not being able to control my reactions, even after all of these years and now one of the only few people who don't avoid my like the plague are probably going to do just that. I hated that he still had this much control on my life. Most of all, I hate that I still let him.

I was still gasping but not as violently as I had been a few minutes prior. Once I managed to catch my breath I began to apologize to Jenks.

"I am so sorry, Jenks. I never wanted you have to witness me like that. I hate being so weak and I hate having to show people that side of me. Especially when they all end up thinking I'm some kind of psychotic cr-..."

"Stop, Bella. Just listen okay?" I looked at Jenks' confused but nodded. "Bella, I've known you for nearly four years now and I know about your past and I know how difficult it all still is for you and for Masen. I'm not going to think any less of you for that in fact it makes me admire you even more."

"Really," my voice came out like a whimper and I berated myself for not keeping in control yet again.

"Yes really, and Bella it was my fault, I know you think that you aren't strong enough and I know you hate that things like this happen but it's all part of the process, honey. You will eventually be able to move on from this, I know it. I want you to know that you can come to me or Carol with anything, okay, we'll always be here if you have any problems."

I shot him a look of surprise at how well he knew me and how he knew just what to say.

He gave a short laugh. "You don't have to look too surprised Bella I know you well enough to understand what you sometimes think, just know that you don't have to keep it to yourself, okay. Promise that you'll come to me or Riley or at least talk to someone you can trust...it's not good for you Bella."

"I know, Jenks, I will. That's why Masen and I are moving. I'll miss some of the people here but it's too hard to stay. We need to start over and concentrate on the future instead of being stuck in the past."

"Yeah, I think this move will be good for you as long as you don't forget to stay in touch otherwise Carol would be forced to hunt you down." Hi words had a teasing edge to them and I could feel my mouth pull into a small grin.

"I wouldn't dream of it."

"Good. Now how about we sign those pap- Holy Shit, Bella! What the hell did you do to your hands?"

I looked down to see the source of his sudden outburst. My hands, unbeknownst to me, were now dripping with blood; I could see crescent marks scattered on them from where my nails had been cutting into my skin. I though back to my flashback and realized that this must have been the stinging sensation that I had been partly aware of.

Before I had had too much time to mull over my current thoughts I became aware of the strong, rusty smell that had begun to fill the room. I felt my legs begin to shake with the effort to stay standing and the room began to spin.

I began to see black spots in my vision and vaguely remember falling back into a chair behind me. The next few minutes were all a blur, I don't think I lost consciousness but I wasn't exactly alert either.

The next thing I knew I was sat with bandages around both hands, effectively blocking the blood and its smell.

I don't quite know if Jenks' was worried or if he was just amused, maybe it was a combination of them both.

Eventually, and without anymore incidents on my part, we managed to get all of the documents signed and discussed everything once more to make sure we both understood.

We then gathered our belongings and began to vacate the room. He opened the door and gestured for me to go first; I did notice, however, that this time he made sure to keep his arms well away from me.

I didn't know whether to be moved me the gesture, or slightly frustrated at both him and myself.

We made a short stop to hand the documents to the office. Before we went outside I turned to face Jenks', determined to say what was needed because I knew it was going to be a while since I next saw him, and who knows what could have changed by then.

"Thank you, for being there and I know I don't say that a lot, but I am; it means a lot to me."

"You don't have to thank me Bella I-"

"No, no I really do. It's actually long overdue. Um...will you tell Carol for me as well? We won't have time to see her or the kids before we leave but I promise that I'll call you once we're settled." I offered.

"That sounds good, Bella. Maybe in a few months we could come and visit you, I know that Carol and the kids have been dying to get away for a short break and I think that they would love to come and see you."

"Thanks, Jenks. That seems like a really good idea, I'll speak to you about it when I call."

"Okay. I'll talk to you soon."

I gave him a small parting smile before heading to the doors but stopping to turn around when I heard him call my name.

"Yes?"

"Take care of yourself and the little one." He said this with a more serious tone than I was used to and smiled the care he was showing; even though it unnerved my slightly, I wasn't quite used to this show of affection but it was nice nonetheless.

"I always do. Bye Jenks." I offered him a small wave and walked out into the blistering heat that Phoenix was famous for.

As soon as I got to the parking lot my eyes instinctively began to search for them. After about a minute or so I found them sat on a bench to the farthest side of the lot.

Two boys sat with ice cream cones in their hands. They were both quite different in age and in looks but they were both beautiful. The older of the two laughed at something the younger one said and ruffled the boy's hair, a secret smile tugging at his lips; before then leaning down to take a swipe of the boy's ice cream. The little boy threw his head back giggling at his companions' actions, then shot him a playful glare as he hugged his ice cream to his body and raised a small hand up to smooth his hair.

The site made me smile, and giggle to myself slightly. It was at that moment I felt something I hadn't allowed myself to feel for really long time.

_Hope._

I relished in the feelings it brought with it; praying that from now on everything would be okay. I glanced at the two boys again shaking my head at their playful antics before making my way over to them, to my future.

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**I am going to try and get the next chapter out as soon as possible but I have got lots of exams this month so it may be delayed slightly.**

**I really hope you like the beginning of the story and again I'm sorry for any mistakes.**

**Please ask any questions that you have and please REVIEW!**

**Cadence**


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

The short walk over to Masen and Riley gave my little time to consider how and what I was going to tell them about the court case and about my decision to move.

It wasn't like I had decided to move across the country on a whim, I had thought about nothing else for several weeks.

I had no idea how they were going to take the news. I knew that Masen wouldn't be too affected by it but, Riley, I was pretty sure that he would have something to say about it. A lot of somethings in fact, and because I knew him to the level that I did, there was no doubt in my mind that most of them would be unpleasant.

I shoved those thoughts to the back of my mind, deciding to deal with it when the time came.

I continued to walk to them and as I got nearer I could begin to make out parts of their conversation.

"Riley?" Masen whispered, his voice sounded dejected, which made me worry. Masen, although subdued to most people, was always full of high spirits in the company of those he knew well, the ones he trusted.

"What's up Mase?" Riley answered. I smiled at the concern that was clear in Riley's voice. He and Riley had always had a special bond. The thought of me separating them made a shot of pain resonate through my chest.

I could see Masen look down at his feet for a few seconds, a frown forming on his little face, before looking back up to Riley.

"Why was Momma so sad this morning?"

I stopped walking then a couple of spaces away from them. Masen's question confusing me, and apparently, Riley too, by the look of things.

"What makes you think she was sad?"

"I don't know...she wasn't smiling. I like her smile, she smiles pwetty." I could see him nibbling on his lip; a habit that he had long ago picked up from me.

"I know she does, Bud, I like her smile to and your Momma always looks pwetty." Riley stopped speaking only to let out a soft sigh, his face took on a look of concentration; he was obviously trying to think of something to say. After a few, short seconds he twisted his body so that he was, now, fully facing Masen.

"Listen Mase, I don't think Bella was sad; I think she was just worried." His words were spoken carefully; I could tell that he was quite clearly at a loss of things that he could say that wouldn't include lying. Riley hated lying almost as much as I did.

"'bout what?"

"About a lot of things, but I know that she will tell us if she's sad about anything, okay?"

"'Kay." Masen said softly looking satisfied with the outcome of the conversation. He started to lick happily at his ice cream for a while before pausing again.

"How long till Momma comes back?" He did that a lot: skipping from one topic of conversation to another in a matter of seconds.

I decided that this would be a good point to announce my presence, feeling somewhat ashamed for eaves dropping. I cleared my throat softly, Masen's head immediately snapping up in the direction I was standing.

He pushed himself off the bench, his small feet stretching to reach the floor, and ran to me, stumbling a number of times on his way. He jumped into my outstretched arms without hesitation. His little arms wrapped tightly around me as he buried his head into my neck.

"I missed you Momma." I could feel his warm breath on the side of my face as he clung to me.

My arms automatically tightened their grip, pulling him closer to me. I buried my nose in his dark brown locks. He smelt of soap and vanilla, a smell that I knew I would never tire of.

"I missed you too, Baby. Did you have fun with Riley?"

He pulled back slightly, tilting his little head upwards so he could see mine. His brown eyes were sparkling, a huge grin spreading its way across his face.

"Yeah, we went to the park and he pushed me on the swings. I went really high Momma, and I wasn't even scared. Rwiley said that I was really bwave and that I was nearly touching the sky. Wasn't I Rwiley?" Masen looked eagerly to Riley for confirmation; his small body was practically vibrating in my arms at the excitement he was so clearly experiencing.

Riley chuckled softly, as he reached us.

"You sure were bud." He answered before he shot me a questioning look. I just gave him a slight grin; letting him now that everything had gone okay. His face relaxed and he looked appeased...for now, anyway.

Turning my attention back to Masen I could see that our interaction hadn't gone unnoticed, though, nothing ever really did. Thankfully he seemed to decide that it wasn't important enough to question and instead carried on explaining - with great enthusiasm - the events of his day.

"...and Rwiley said 'cos I was so bwave we could get an ice cweam..." he trailed off suddenly, his eyes searching both me and Riley before he began to wiggle slightly in my arms in order to turn around. With his back now tilted in my direction, he let out a small whimper. Confused, I quickly re-adjusted him so that he was facing me, before allowing my eyes to focus on what Masen had been looking at.

There was a half melted ice cream, which had been dropped haphazardly, now lying on the ground next to the unoccupied bench.

Masen's lower lip began to quiver and tears were forming at the corners of his eyes. I began to rapidly search my mind, hoping there was something I could say that would make things better and would prevent any of his tears from falling. It always broke my heart to see him cry.

"Hey...shhh, Baby. It's okay...calm down sweetie." I tried to console him, my voice soft; barely above a whisper. My body was swaying as I offered him as much comfort as I could.

"I dropped it." His voice broke towards the end, very clearly showing his distress.

"It doesn't matter Baby. We can go get you another one."

"We can?" he sniffed.

"Of course we can. Hey, how about this time we go to the shop and buy a big tub full; then we can all have some when we get home. We can watch a movie if you want. Does, that sound good?" I questioned, already knowing the answer.

He nodded eagerly, his mouth pulling up at the corners, the light back in his eyes.

The situation, Masen crying about a dropped ice cream, reminded me of a similar event from my childhood. I tried not to dwell on it as it wasn't exactly a good memory, not many of them were.

Although it pained me to watch him when he was upset, I couldn't help but be happy that his tears were ones that would soon begin to recede and by tonight any of his pain would be forgotten.

This is how things were supposed to be at his age. These were the times when you don't have a care in the world and where mistakes are allowed to be learned from without having to face consequences.

It made me yearn for a chance to experience what that feeling was like for myself.

I'd never had a time where I didn't have any worries or expectations or pressure. Those things had always been etched into my life; regardless of my feelings. No, my feelings had never mattered. Not where my family was concerned anyway and that only made me more determined to make sure that Masen would have anything he deserved. Hell, that little boy deserved the world and I swore to myself that I would find a way to give it to him, if he so wished.

Masen refused to be put down on the walk home, his arms a legs had a vice grip on my body, and I knew that there would be no persuading him to let go, Once he had his mind set on something, nothing would be able to deter him.

Stubborn. Another trait of mine that he had.

It didn't come as a surprise though. The events of the last few years had affected all three of us in similar ways.

Masen had become very clingy around me, wherever we went he would always have at least one hand gripping onto me and with all of his experiences and at such a young age he had every right to.

As we walked it didn't escape my notice that Riley had placed his hand on the small of my back, a comforting gesture that I had gradually grown accustomed to. He had also, as if automatically, placed himself so that he was walking slightly behind me. His body was stiff and tensed, his protective side on in full force.

He did this whenever we were out in public, his body also acting as a barrier between me and the people passing by. I knew that Riley cared for me and Masen, but it was times like these when it would astound me as to just how much. We were really look to have him.

The guilt begin to fill me once again and I knew that however hard it was going to be I would have to tell both of them tonight. They had every right to know the truth and it would only hurt more if brushed it away until a later time.

Just as I had promised, we made a small stop at the grocery store on the way home in order for Masen to pick up a tub of his favourite ice cream: mint chocolate chip.

The rest of the walk back to our apartment was quiet. There was hardly any traffic on the roads and even fewer people. Although unusual there was no way that I was about to question it.

It wasn't long until we were walking through the large iron gate that led to the entrance of the apartment blocks. They weren't in the best of conditions but it was enough for us; they offered shelter and comfort and I knew that this was the extent of what Riley could afford.

Riley was a very proud man; so it didn't matter how many times I offered to help him afford a place higher up the market his answer would always remain the same.

To be honest we didn't really need anything more, his apartment had become a sanctuary to both me and Masen. It was one of the only places that I was prepared to let my guard down, not fully though. Never fully.

We passed the elevator deciding to take the stairs just as we always did. I was still uncomfortable in small places; not liking the feelings that always washed through me, so I tried to avoid them when I was able.

My legs and back began to ache after the first flight of stairs; Masen still insisting that I keep a hold of him. I couldn't find it in me to argue with him; I was trying to enjoy being able to hold him like this whenever I could because I knew that at the rate he was growing that I wouldn't be able to do it for much longer.

With every step I took I felt the tub of ice cream bang uncomfortably against my hip, Masen had made it clear that because it was his ice cream he should be the one to carry it home. Despite his young age he was always trying to help me on as many occasions as possible. He looked so proud at the idea of helping me that I just didn't have the heart to tell him that it would actually be more helpful for me if he just let me carried the bag myself.

After five flights of stairs and about two hundred steps we finally reached the door to the apartment. It was at this point that Masen finally decided that my arms had had to withstand enough torture and declared that I was allowed to be put down. Riley fished for the keys in his jeans pocket and after finding them, we were finally able to relax within the walls of our home.

Masen took off running, most likely to his bedroom to choose a DVD that I had said we could watch. I shouted after him to slow down but I was only answered with the sound of him falling and a meek "sorry" being called.

I shook my head at his antics; the difference in Masen here and outside never ceased to astound me. Outside he was quiet and shy but as soon as we were home he became the little ball of energy we knew and loved. I don't know where all his energy came from. He would wake up early and come catapulting himself onto my bed in an effort to wake me up, despite my annoyed grumblings. He would then power through the rest of the day before passing out completely around dinner time.

"You okay Bells?" I heard Riley ask from behind me. I turned to see him looking at me worriedly, holding Masen's bag of ice cream that had been dropped by the door with his shoes.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I said cringing at the blatant lie in my voice. I took the bag from him and moved towards the kitchen to put it away. I had mastered lying over the years but it had yet to work on Riley and I could tell it wouldn't work now.

I turned, leaning myself against the counter, enabling myself to see the pointed look that Riley was shooting me from where he was stood across the other side of the kitchen, at the door.

"Come on Bells. Tell me what's on your mind."

I crossed my arms and gave him a small shake of my head.

"Tonight," I whispered; knowing that he wouldn't let it go if I didn't.

He nodded stiffly, clearly still not happy with the answer but it was all I could offer him for now.

The silence was beginning to get slightly uncomfortable but luckily Masen came barrelling into the room demanding that Riley come help him pick out a DVD.

Riley shot me an exasperated look, to which I could only laugh. Every Saturday night we would all watch a DVD together on the couch and Masen would always insist that Riley help him pick out which DVD. They would spend half an hour in Masen's bedroom with him commanding Riley to pick out a selection of movies. Masen would then look at them all with a disgusted face and just shake his head, making Riley choose some more.

This would carry on for another couple of times before Masen would just take matters into his own hands and pick his own. Which would without exception, be the same DVD as every other weekend.

Riley had yet to moan though; I think he secretly got a kick out of the look Masen would give him when he suggested they watch Batman. I don't know what it was about Batman that Masen didn't like but it was enough for him to look like he was going be sick at the mere thought of watching it. He must of got his hate for Batman from Alec; the smile on my face fading the mention of his name in my mind.

"...but Batman rocks, dude." I heard from down the hall. I couldn't help but snort at Riley's attempts to persuade Masen into watching it, we both knew that it wouldn't work.

I decided to make a start on dinner while leaving Masen and Riley to their weekly debate. I grabbed everything I needed out of the cupboards opting to make Masen's favourite: mac and cheese, another Saturday night tradition.

I was about half way through preparing dinner when I heard the sound of little feet hammering down the hall, making small pattering sounds against the light grained wood.

Masen appeared through the door of the kitchen, skipping his way over to me holding something behind his back.

"Hi Momma."

"Hi Baby, you okay?"

He nodded.

I turned to get out the plates and set them down on the table in the centre of the kitchen before turning back to the stove.

Masen was still stood by the stove watching me as I moved around the kitchen. He remained silent looking at me expectantly as though he was waiting for me to say something.

It took me a minute or so to figure out what he wanted me to say.

"Soooo, what DVD are we going to be watching?"

"Guess," was his only reply.

"Hmmm, let me think…" I trailed off pretending to be puzzled. "Is it…The Lion King?"

He shook his head as his body shook with silent laughter at my answer. He kept his lips pressed tightly together a cheeky grin threatening to form on his face.

Lion King had been another year's favourite. He had received the DVD from Riley for his birthday with a number of other Disney DVD's and of course a Cartoon Edition of Batman; which was still sat at the back of one of his shelves in his bedroom unwatched and unopened.

After watching The Lion King for the first time Masen had almost immediately begun his obsession with lions. It actually nearly border lined on unhealthy. He, at one point was decided he wanted to be a lion and as a result began to crawl across the floor on his hands and knees and would stop to "rwar" at anyone who passed.

Admittedly he was only two, but imagine walking through a busy shop with a two year old crawling behind you. Not to mention the fact that said two year old would cock his leg up at every opportunity he could find because "Rwiley" had told him that's what lions did when marking their "space".

"Okay…so it's not The Lion King. So it must be…Buffy the Vampire Slayer," I declared. This, to my amusement was rewarded with a frustrated sigh and a roll of the eyes. Well, we all had our own obsessions.

"Well then it has to be…Batman."

Masen's face took on a horrified look and his small nose scrunched up in distaste. He really did not like Batman.

Fed up with me by now, Masen brought the DVD from behind his back and thrust it up towards my face as high as his arms would allow.

My prediction was proved right; the cover indicating we were going to be treated to another viewing of Peter Pan.

"Peter Pan, nice choice, Bud." I said stealing Riley's nickname for him.

"I know." He shrugged his voice taking on a tone that was nonchalant.

"When's dinner gonna be rweady?"

"In a couple of minutes, Baby. You gonna help me set the table." I asked.

"'Kay."

Masen helped me to lay out all the forks and spoons, leaving the knives and plates to me. Riley came into the kitchen and joined us at the table.

After eating dinner and clearing everything away we vacated to the living room where riley had set up several cushions and blankets. I popped Peter Pan in the DVD player while Masen went to retrieve his ice cream from the fridge. We all settled ourselves onto the couch; Masen spreading himself across both mine and Riley's laps.

I brushed my fingers through Masen's brown locks and massaged his head gently while he made short work of the ice cream. We weren't even half way through the movie when I began to see Masen rubbing his eyes and yawning every couple of minutes or so, and after another 10 minutes he finally gave in to the claws of unconsciousness.

I carefully gathered his small form into my arms, motioning to Riley that I was going to put him to bed and continued carry him down the hall until we came to his bedroom.

I pulled the covers away from his bed, carefully tucking him under their warmth whilst trying hard to not wake him. I pulled the covers up to his chin and placed his small lion teddy under with him. It had been another present from Riley for his last birthday; he had, without hesitation, named him Simba.

I smiled gently, taking in his serene features under the dim light of the room. I lifted my hand to move the hair out of his eyes and placed a small kiss on his forehead before whispering goodnight and leaving the room. I made sure to leave his door open slightly so to make sure he could get out in the night if he needed anything.

Riley was still sat on the couch when I re-entered the living room and the TV had been switched off.

I let out a sigh of defeat knowing that this was the time that I would have to tell him. I had already kept it from him long enough.

I turned my body to face him, reaching out to gently take his hand; I couldn't help but relish in the minimal skin to skin contact that I was permitted. Riley's eyes were cautious as they searched my face, looking for any clue as to what this was all about.

"Come on Bells, what's this about." He made a point to gesture to our clasped hands. "And when are you gonna tell me about what happened with the court meeting?"

I struggled for what to say, but finally, after what felt like forever, managed to form words.

"Um…well the court case went well, really well actually. They granted me full custody of him, at last." I allowed a brief smile to form on my lips.

"Really? What about visitations?"

"No, no more visitations except for when in a couple of months but that will be the last."

"That's great Bells." The excitement in his voice caused the hole that had taken permanent residency in my chest to grow larger. "Wait, Bells that is a good thing right?"

"Yeah, of course it's a good thing." I breathed my voice beginning to lose the confidence it had shown thus far.

"It's just…I've been thinking about everything that's happened here, in this town, this city and I feel that as long as I stay here I'm never gonna be able to move past it or move on. There's always gonna be somebody who knows Riley and the memories haunt be in the day as well as the night. I owe it to Masen and to myself to try and get some normalcy back into our lives and I can't do that here.

"I'm constantly looking over my shoulder. Hell, I can't even walk outside without feeling fear and terror bubble inside of me. I'm pretty sure that if I stay here it's gonna eat away at me and I know it's gonna take time to get over some of my issues no matter where I go but I don't want Masen to grow up with other people…strangers knowing more about his family than he does. I don't want him finding out things about our past from somebody other than me."

I watched a hundred different emotions cross Riley's face as I spoke. Emotions ranging from anger to grief to understanding; anger, however, being the most prominent.

"So you're moving." It wasn't a question; it was a statement. "Out of the state?"

I nodded.

"What the hell, Bella! When did you decide this?"

"A couple of weeks ago." I spoke regret lacing my words.

"A couple of weeks. And you're only telling me this now!" His voice was rising in volume with every world he spat at me.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know how to tell you. I didn't want you to mad at me or upset."

I saw his eyes flash in anger and his mouth opened to speak but I quickly nodded my head towards Masen's room to remind him to keep his voice down.

His eyes narrowed but he did as I asked; hissing, instead of shouting, his next words at me.

"And where exactly are you planning to go Bella, hmm?"

"I…I found somewhere on the internet that has a great education program. It has the top academic department in the country. It's in New York." The last part came out as a whisper.

"New York. Bella, that's over a thousand miles away. You're gonna live in a city by yourself. Bella you can't even touch people without going into a panic attack. How the hell are you gonna manage in New York, Bella."

His words cut at me making the hole in my chest throb tauntingly but I didn't have time to reflect on it though because I could feel the anger building its way up in side of me.

"Don't you think I know that? Fuck, Riley. You don't have to tell me all the things wrong with me, okay, trust me when I say I already know. And I know that it doesn't me sense me upping and moving across the country but I have to try. I'm sorry for not telling you sooner but I have to do this Riley. I've been looking over this for weeks and the pros outweigh the con's by a lot. Masen deserves the kind of life and experiences that New York can offer.

"It has an outstanding school program and the places are beautiful. There are opportunities for him budding around every corner, hell, there's a lot for me to. I want to give Masen the kind of life I never had but always wanted and if that means facing a few fears along the way then so be it."

"That's great Bella. You're right you both deserve opportunities that Phoenix doesn't have to offer. But amongst all you planning and research did you ever stop to think about me. Did you? Or am I just one of the pros or cons?"

"It's not like that, Riley and you know it."

"No, no I don't know it. I don't know anything right now…nothing's making sense."

"Riley, of course I thought about you. But I can't stay here and as much as I'd love for you to be able to come to New York with us we both know that you can't. Your just about to start an amazing job; this is what you've been working so hard for and I'm not gonna let you pass that up, not because of us.

"We can work this out Riley. There's email and video calls and I'll make sure that Manse and I come out to see you as much as possible. Maybe you can come visit us in New York.

"I know that you'll worry about us but we'll be fine I'm a big girl Riley. I've been a parent most of my life and I'll keep us both safe, it's just gonna take some getting over everything but I will."

I tried to reason with him as much as I could but I knew that it was in vain. The silence in the room stretched for what felt like several hours.

Riley's whole body was tense and his hands were clenched into fists at his side. His stare was searing into the wall behind my head, he refused to make eye contact with me and it made the pain grow greater and vision became hazy as tears formed in front of it.

"Riley, I – " I started but Riley's hard voice interrupted me.

"Don't Bella. Just don't." His cold eyes locked on mine; I recognized the look in them, I'd seen it been directed at plenty of the people who littered this town but I'd never imagined that it would ever my directed at me. Hate.

The tears I had been trying to reign back began to flow in torrents down my face as my body crumpled in on itself my chin dropping towards my chest.

I heard footsteps as Riley made his way over to me, lifting my chin with his hand. To my relief his eyes had softened no sign of the previous hostile expression.

He used his hands to wipe away my tears and dry my cheeks.

"Bells, come on don't cry."

"You're mad at me." I stated, hating how my words reflected how week I was feeling.

He let out a sigh, confirming my statement. I tried to move my chin out of his hands and lose eye contact but his hands held my face in a steady grip.

"Yes, okay, I am mad but can you blame me. I've just found out that the two most important people in my life are moving to the other side of the country. I think I've earned the right to be mad Bella. I'm still trying to process everything and I don't want us to continue fighting about this now because both of our emotions are running high and I know that I'll end up saying something that I'm going to regret.

"Let's just get some sleep and we'll talk about it more in the morning, okay."

He accepted my small nod as an answer and turned to grab the blankets left on the couch before walking down the hallway towards his room.

"I am sorry Riley. I love you."

He turned giving me a small smile, my chest relaxing slightly at the sight of it.

"I know, I love you too, night." The door to his bedroom shut behind him as he disappeared from view.

"Yeah, night." I breathed into the empty room.

Following his lead I made sure everything was switched off and that the doors were locked. I entered my bedroom swapped my jeans for my old pair of sweats and worn t- shirt.

I slipped into bed and stared blankly up at the ceiling above. Night had always been the favorite part of my day, I liked the dark it relaxed me; I had always been safe when it was dark.

Now, though I found that the night wasn't as friendly to me anymore. Night meant sleep and sleep meant the inevitable nightmares. The first few months in which the nightmares started had been the worst; I couldn't control them. I had started to stay awake for as long as I could each night and eventually it became around two hours sleep a night, in fact some nights not even that.

Eventually sleep would become too hard to prevent no matter how much coffee I drank and then the nightmares would come and cause me to wake up, crying out into the dark room.

They not only hurt emotionally but physically, too. Sometimes I could fell the sharp metal of the knife slide its way across my skin the searing pain of the cigarette as it burnt through my flesh.

Riley had tried to make me see someone about them but I refused knowing it wouldn't help the only thing that did was to starve myself of the sleep my body so desperately craved.

I grabbed my book from the bedside table switching on the lamp that also sat there. Reading was one of my only solaces the same with writing, they helped me forget, for a while. It also helped me to stay awake.

About a hundred pages later at about one thirty I heard the creak of a door and the gentle patter of footsteps. I smiled to myself as the door to my bedroom was pushed open and a small head peered its way around.

My smile instantly faded when I saw Masen stood there with tears running down his face, his chest shaking with sobs as he clutched Simba to it.

I practically threw my book to the side and pulled the covers back on my bed motioning for him to come to me.

He sprinted his way over to me, latching onto my shirt as I lifted him into bed with me. He buried his face into my chest his body still trembling, small whimpering noises escaping his mouth.

All I could do was holding him to me as tightly as I could, rocking us both back and forth while telling him over and over again that everything was going to be alright. He just clutched onto my tighter his hold never once loosening.

I laid us both down in the bed pulling the cover over us.

"Shhh…it's gonna be okay Baby, Momma's here nothing can hurt you now…I promise." I rubbed his back trying to get him to calm down but it didn't seem to be working.

"What happened, Baby? Why are you crying?"

"I-I-I…haddd a b-b-baad d-dweamm." I could only just make out what he had said through his heart breaking sobs. What I heard made me hug him closer knowing all too well what he was going through.

I felt helpless at this point as his body convulsed in my arms, his tears seeping through my shirt. It occurred to me that when he was little and would get restless I used to sing to him to get him to settle down. I wasn't sure if it would work now but I decided to try it anyway.

"_Smile though your heart is aching,_

_Smile even though it's breaking,_

_When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by_

_If you smile through your fear and sorrows_

_Smile and maybe tomorrow_

_You'll see the sun come shining through, for you."_

Throughout the song his body calmed and he became still against me. I smiled happy that he was okay and turned to switch off the lamp. I pulled him closer into my side burying my face in his hair and breathing in his scent.

I spent the rest of the night holding him close making sure that his nightmares didn't return.

I'd made a promise long ago to always protect him and looking down at him now, with his small frame wrapped around me and his fingers clutching onto me like I was his life line, there wasn't anything I wasn't prepared to do to make sure that promise remained unbroken.


End file.
